You can’t run away from your problems, but you can certainly escape reality. And for just for a moment, time will pause and everything will be okay. So, I escaped.
I woke up to waves crashing. Maybe my life isn’t so bad, I thought. The hangover still lingering and the scent of the sea in the air. It was early, and the sun was hot and shining on my skin through the enormous windows in the ceiling, but it’s hard to be sad when you’re waking up in paradise. What is happiness though?
Ages 1-5: happiness was my mothers arms.
Ages 6-12: happiness was ballet class.
Ages 13-14: happiness was AOL messenger.
Ages 15-17: happiness was being a rebel.
Ages 18-19: happiness was independence.
Ages 20-21: happiness was my friends.
Ages 22-23: happiness was you.
Then it rained… and when it rains it fucking pours.
I no longer felt that light… But something funny happened when I woke up that morning. I felt the spark come back. My happiness had always relied on someone else… something else.
How do you teach yourself to be happy despite your surroundings and circumstances.
It’s such bullshit when people tell you to just look at the bright side… to be happy.
You don’t even notice how depressed you are until you realize you haven’t showered in two days as you lay on the couch watching law & order, ignoring the faint sound of your phone going off.
Depression isn’t crying every day. Sadness isn’t wearing a frown. It’s a feeling deep within you that you try and make go away, but you can’t.
Running away didn’t solve my problems, but escaping reality for a moment helped me reflect on what I wanted, what I had and who I was and was becoming.
Who knew that all I needed was a mental break. Maybe that is what we all need from time to time, and it doesn’t have to be in the form of a weekend vacation. It can be a night alone at a coffee shop with your favorite novel… or indulging in a lavish dinner for one. Mental health is so important, yet so many of us forget this.
I’m still not sure what it was, but I came back lighter, happier, and calmer.
I had been chasing this feeling for so long, not knowing how to reach it. These self-indulgent distractions weren’t my happiness. It wasn’t until I let go of the idea of happiness and what I thought it was that I truly found peace.
Now I stop and observe, I try not to rush life, I look up at the sky a little more and I always take the time to rest my mind. Finding peace with life was better than finding happiness.
To be find happiness in everything, seek happiness in nothing.